Three Years On

That Anniversary- October 19
Cordova, Maryland

Three years now, three years of living on my own, without Ben. Three years since that monumental event of his accident and death. Three years of processing, grieving, acclimating and... thriving, as I promised I would do.

Kiva told me recently that she had read my piece 'One Year On', written on the first anniversary of Ben's death. She said I seemed to be a different person now, two years later. I forgot to ask her what that meant because I too felt the truth in her observation.

Is there an obligation to feel a certain way on anniversaries such as this? Would you expect me to don the face of mourning once again? It doesn't fit. There is so much perspective that has been gained that puts me at peace today. Let me tell you.

Most strongly is the belief that Ben is now, at last, as light a being as it is possible to be, without worries, doubts, self recriminations, depression. It brings me joy to think of him cast free of his burdens.

As I age, and experience others aging around me, I know so clearly that Ben would not have liked this process. He was such a physical person and felt every bodily change and adjustment as a cause for sorrow and regret. He has been spared the ignominy of that decline, just as the rest of us must find the grace and acceptance of this most mortal and mammalian of life phases.

I have been left to learn about myself and my own full choices. Every decision is my own and I must stand by it. For me, becoming fully adult has required this solo venture. No matter my friends and family, I now turn to myself for solace and reflection in the face of hard times. This has probably been the hardest change of all: my special person who has infinite interest in my life events and inner workings is no longer, and the conversations are now predominantly with myself. More frequently I can be a good listener and self comforter, with a word of encouragement and perspective thrown in.

I am doing things that Ben would never have chosen to do that are giving me wonderful options and experiences. Creating and renting out three parts of my homestead so I can afford to quit a job I wasn't happy in any more- Ben would not have wanted others living on the land. Traveling as I am without plans in crowded campgrounds- no way would he have enjoyed that. Living an unpredictable life without definition or home base- actually, most people wouldn't like that, including him.

Lastly, I had announced years ago, that I would recover from tragedy, no matter how severe, and I would thrive. I am absolutely sure, in every fiber of my human, mortal being, that Ben is delighted that I have found a way to thrive, even to make the most out of this current situation I am in (yes, I dare to say this). He only ever wanted the best for me, and I hold that knowledge close and dear.





So, today I remember him for the 40 years we were together- amazing years. And I carry on with my life to the fullest and best of my ability. Let me just say that that ability has expanded in the last two years, so Kiva is absolutely right!