Mom & Martha's Vineyard

Seventeen Days with My Mom

Vineyard Haven- September 20 - October 6

Ah, Martha's Vineyard after Labor Day. September is such a beautiful time to be there- still warm but not crowded. I am happy to say I had a successful continuation of my 'no reservations' policy in my traveling. I walked into the ferry office, bought a ticket for me and my car, got in line and 15 minutes later was on my way to Oak Bluffs.

Since I moved to Maui I've typically seen Mom once a year for about a week. That's not much time to have fun and do some chores around her home for her. So it was great to have a more extended visit- time for talks, good meals, concerts, a trip around the island and plenty of 'chores'. One gorgeous afternoon we took a leisurely drive through West Tilbury, Chilmark, Menemsha and Aquinnah.

But the crux of the visit was about changes in Mom's living situation- such a challenging transition time and one especially hard after 40+ years in a small community where EVERYONE knows her and loves her. There is so much to say about the conversations and deliberations that preceded the final decision to move to Cleveland to be near Dinah, my sister. So many of us have gone through these times and struggled to be kind, fair, understanding and supportive. So this visit was the occasion to find a meeting of the minds and a way forward. This was achieved, with some acute sadness on Mom's part.

There is a play called 'I'm Not Rappaport' that Mom directed years ago and I saw. It has stayed with me for decades now- the message that elders must make their own decisions... as long as they're willing to live with the consequences of those decisions. In the play, the elderly man visits a park bench in Central Park everyday and holds firm on his right to do so, even after getting mugged and beaten. His daughter 'wants the best for him', but he chooses what that is.

My sister and I have walked a fine line between cajoling and respecting, I will admit, and there are always pluses and minuses to any choice that is arrived at. Personally, I can only hope that this next phase of Mom's life in an independent living situation in Cleveland holds new, good friends, active engagement, new opportunities, and supportive assistance for a healthy, upbeat life.

Ethan's highchair- Ethan is now 46! Okay,
I guess we can let this go.

And so, much of my time was spent sorting through Mom's belongings and her past to scale down for a two-room apartment. The combination of me, someone who has never been object oriented or particularly sentimental, and Mom, who has attachments to each item in her four-bedroom house, was... Perfect? Impossible? Challenging? Ridiculous? Or all of the above. Luckily, Dinah arrived and provided some of the compassion and empathy regarding personal objects that I lacked.

A final lunch at the Black Dog with Dinah, Mom and me.

Mom set a date of January 10 to leave her home and move to The Atrium, a really lovely facility. There is much to do before and after that date. Throughout this process I have committed to honoring Mom's decisions, while nudging her relentlessly regarding various issues. It is a dance we do, adult child and aging parent. Just as with everything in life, we do it in our own unique way. I pray for blessings along the journey.