Visiting Friends

East Coast Midlands- October 18 - 25

The east coast holds a lot of treasures for me: people who have been part of my life for decades, know me, know the people I know, have a sense of my trajectory. These are the people we sing about as ‘gold’. For two months I have been wined and dined, bed and boarded by my family and by my friends. It’s like a wonderful sloppy stew of loved ones with different textures and nourishing qualities.

Although it’s a dangerous thing to stay too long as a visitor, I came to experience the sweetness of staying long enough, longer than usual, long enough to break through to the next level. One trick I worked on was to be helpful and be independent- no burden, no expectations, no have-tos, just flexible and amenable. But in the moments of togetherness, my relaxed schedule gave me space to be very present, just there with each person- really satisfying for me.

So the southern part of my east coast visit took me to Maryland, Virginia and North Carolina, before I hit the road on my own again. 

Andy's store- The Green Phoenix

 Maryland is the home of my oldest friend, Andi, living in a wonderful wooded home with her husband Rik. She has her own local and fair trade artists’ emporium, The Green Phoenix. It’s a beautiful array of well-chosen art and craftwork mostly created by local artists on Maryland’s Eastern Peninsula. We have known each other for 55 years, but hadn’t seen each other in over 15. Lots of catching up to do.

Andi and Rik at their unique home (with solar panels!)

Jenny Sioux and Jef in the garden.

In Virginia I visited Jenny Sioux and Jef, good friends from Canterbury, in North Garden, south of Charlottesville. Once again I had preconceived notions of central Virginia- boil it down to ‘hicks’. What I found was an alcohol-producing Mecca of high-end wineries, breweries, distilleries and cideries. Bootlegging still keepers would either be rolling in their graves or proud of a legacy of distinctive brews. 

Jenny Sioux with her flowers at a fancy dance winery.

Fancy people in fancy clothes flock to this area, bringing a whole other type cast- ‘posh’- (hard to say which I might prefer). But the farmers market where JS and J sell Jenny’s flowers and vegetables showed a savvy neighborhood presently fighting hard against a pipeline threatening their rural landscape. Another assumption about an area smashed- I gotta love it!

Jef 'collapsing' their canopy that was damaged in the wind.
He has his own special style.

Ferdouz at the large and imposing EPA building where
she's telling it like it is.

And lastly, Durham/Raleigh/Cary, North Carolina, where a new friend from Maui, recently transplanted, lives with her family, Wallace and Hazel. Ferdouz is working at the EPA, bringing her sustainability knowledge to bear, having left Maui College as I did last May. That is one bustling hub of an area with multiple universities and industry. I’m told it’s one of the fastest growing areas in the country. Hazel is in 3^rd grade and reading like a fiend, reminding me of my daughters.

And thus ends my stew-dwelling days. I’m on to camping, wandering, wending my way vaguely west. The South is such an unknown. I’m ready to have assumptions shattered again.

Brotherly Love

 Philadelphia and Family

 Kennett Square, PA- October 7 - 18

Pennsylvania holds a passel of loved ones of mine. My home state, there is much history here- for the nation and for me. I made the most of both.

Yeah, we're pretty goofy. And proud of it!

Anthony or Anth, called Tony by everyone but me, is my brother. Born 16 months after I was, we hold each others history in the chalice that is the sibling experience. He stayed in PA, I left for northern environs. He gets to eat a hoagie any time he wants, for that I am supremely jealous.

This extended stay allowed me to enter more deeply into the lives of Anth's extended family in a way I never had before. And to spend time with him enough to bump through to a level of relaxed enjoyment and honest conversation that leaves me with a lot of gratitude.

This three-generation Stephens clan is a tight knit crew. Lots of babysitting for the three youngsters, house and yard projects shared, meals together, phone calls multiple times a day. They are ‘in each others’ business’, ‘up in each others’ grille’, deeply embedded in the intricacies of each others’ lives. It’s really fun to be with them.

Let me tell it pictorially:

Jami, Jessie with Caleb and Anth after a terrible defeat of
the Eagles.

A really fun morning at a mega-orchard- a
kids' area that we could have spent the whole
day in. Annie with Abby, Moi, Jessie with
Caleb and Emma in front.

I'm just loving these two girls: Annie & Jessie

Mike with incredibly reasonable Abby.

Annie with incredibly cute Abby.

Bright-eyed Emma and me at Longwood Gardens- that
place amazes me every time, they just keep adding and
improving

Jessie with active Caleb- he's ready for
the next great thing!

Hawk Mountain with Anth. Just hanging out on the rocks
waiting and watching for the migration of
raptors. Sightings of various types of hawks, eagles
and vultures. Great day with the bro'.

Anth takes a nap after lording it over everyone
with his hoagie and hot coffee. 

Jessie played hookie from school and the three of us did
a Segway tour of Philadelphia. This is an amazing way
to view a city- nothing like it.

Yup, dorky again. In front of Rodin's Thinker,
three goof balls.

Annie & me at Longwood.

Three Years On

That Anniversary- October 19
Cordova, Maryland

Three years now, three years of living on my own, without Ben. Three years since that monumental event of his accident and death. Three years of processing, grieving, acclimating and... thriving, as I promised I would do.

Kiva told me recently that she had read my piece 'One Year On', written on the first anniversary of Ben's death. She said I seemed to be a different person now, two years later. I forgot to ask her what that meant because I too felt the truth in her observation.

Is there an obligation to feel a certain way on anniversaries such as this? Would you expect me to don the face of mourning once again? It doesn't fit. There is so much perspective that has been gained that puts me at peace today. Let me tell you.

Most strongly is the belief that Ben is now, at last, as light a being as it is possible to be, without worries, doubts, self recriminations, depression. It brings me joy to think of him cast free of his burdens.

As I age, and experience others aging around me, I know so clearly that Ben would not have liked this process. He was such a physical person and felt every bodily change and adjustment as a cause for sorrow and regret. He has been spared the ignominy of that decline, just as the rest of us must find the grace and acceptance of this most mortal and mammalian of life phases.

I have been left to learn about myself and my own full choices. Every decision is my own and I must stand by it. For me, becoming fully adult has required this solo venture. No matter my friends and family, I now turn to myself for solace and reflection in the face of hard times. This has probably been the hardest change of all: my special person who has infinite interest in my life events and inner workings is no longer, and the conversations are now predominantly with myself. More frequently I can be a good listener and self comforter, with a word of encouragement and perspective thrown in.

I am doing things that Ben would never have chosen to do that are giving me wonderful options and experiences. Creating and renting out three parts of my homestead so I can afford to quit a job I wasn't happy in any more- Ben would not have wanted others living on the land. Traveling as I am without plans in crowded campgrounds- no way would he have enjoyed that. Living an unpredictable life without definition or home base- actually, most people wouldn't like that, including him.

Lastly, I had announced years ago, that I would recover from tragedy, no matter how severe, and I would thrive. I am absolutely sure, in every fiber of my human, mortal being, that Ben is delighted that I have found a way to thrive, even to make the most out of this current situation I am in (yes, I dare to say this). He only ever wanted the best for me, and I hold that knowledge close and dear.





So, today I remember him for the 40 years we were together- amazing years. And I carry on with my life to the fullest and best of my ability. Let me just say that that ability has expanded in the last two years, so Kiva is absolutely right!

Mom & Martha's Vineyard

Seventeen Days with My Mom

Vineyard Haven- September 20 - October 6

Ah, Martha's Vineyard after Labor Day. September is such a beautiful time to be there- still warm but not crowded. I am happy to say I had a successful continuation of my 'no reservations' policy in my traveling. I walked into the ferry office, bought a ticket for me and my car, got in line and 15 minutes later was on my way to Oak Bluffs.

Since I moved to Maui I've typically seen Mom once a year for about a week. That's not much time to have fun and do some chores around her home for her. So it was great to have a more extended visit- time for talks, good meals, concerts, a trip around the island and plenty of 'chores'. One gorgeous afternoon we took a leisurely drive through West Tilbury, Chilmark, Menemsha and Aquinnah.

But the crux of the visit was about changes in Mom's living situation- such a challenging transition time and one especially hard after 40+ years in a small community where EVERYONE knows her and loves her. There is so much to say about the conversations and deliberations that preceded the final decision to move to Cleveland to be near Dinah, my sister. So many of us have gone through these times and struggled to be kind, fair, understanding and supportive. So this visit was the occasion to find a meeting of the minds and a way forward. This was achieved, with some acute sadness on Mom's part.

There is a play called 'I'm Not Rappaport' that Mom directed years ago and I saw. It has stayed with me for decades now- the message that elders must make their own decisions... as long as they're willing to live with the consequences of those decisions. In the play, the elderly man visits a park bench in Central Park everyday and holds firm on his right to do so, even after getting mugged and beaten. His daughter 'wants the best for him', but he chooses what that is.

My sister and I have walked a fine line between cajoling and respecting, I will admit, and there are always pluses and minuses to any choice that is arrived at. Personally, I can only hope that this next phase of Mom's life in an independent living situation in Cleveland holds new, good friends, active engagement, new opportunities, and supportive assistance for a healthy, upbeat life.

Ethan's highchair- Ethan is now 46! Okay,
I guess we can let this go.

And so, much of my time was spent sorting through Mom's belongings and her past to scale down for a two-room apartment. The combination of me, someone who has never been object oriented or particularly sentimental, and Mom, who has attachments to each item in her four-bedroom house, was... Perfect? Impossible? Challenging? Ridiculous? Or all of the above. Luckily, Dinah arrived and provided some of the compassion and empathy regarding personal objects that I lacked.

A final lunch at the Black Dog with Dinah, Mom and me.

Mom set a date of January 10 to leave her home and move to The Atrium, a really lovely facility. There is much to do before and after that date. Throughout this process I have committed to honoring Mom's decisions, while nudging her relentlessly regarding various issues. It is a dance we do, adult child and aging parent. Just as with everything in life, we do it in our own unique way. I pray for blessings along the journey.